About half an hour into my drive to class I stopped and got a muffin and a cranberry juice. It had just started to snow big, fat, heavy flakes as I got onto the interstate so I kept an eye on my phone for a text from University of Maine-Augusta signaling that school is canceled.
Nothing.
I kept driving northeast while the snow got heavier and the visibility got lower. Still no text from UMA. Usually they cancel when there is a hint of a snowflake so I was thinking it was just a matter of time.
The road was slick as snot and I could barely see the car in front of me. When I had to use my brakes to slow down the antilock brake system immediately engaged. I decided to call the school because if there was any chance of school being canceled, I wanted to turn around as soon as possible and get home safely.
The lady who answered the phone cheerfully answered my question with a "Nope! Drive safe!" Hmph. I would've already turned around and gone home if I didn't have a lab exam, so I continued going 45 mph and keeping a football field between me and the car in front. At this point I knew I was going to be late to my first class but figured it would only be by 10-15 minutes.
And then traffic stopped. Luckily I had that football field length in front of me to safely stop; the car behind me had to slide off onto the shoulder to avoid hitting me. Thinking it would only be a few minutes before whoever slid off the road up ahead would be cleared out, I pulled out my homework and got busy.
Do you ever have those moments when you know you can't access a bathroom so immediately you feel like you *have* to pee?
I was starting to feel a little discomfort but hoped it was just psychosomatic nonsense because I knew I was still 15 miles away from school and there was no bathroom in sight.
45 minutes later and it's definitely not psychosomatic. It was bad enough that I could no longer concentrate on my homework. I cursed my past self, thinking why o why did I pick cranberry juice on this of all days??
I posted a facetious complaint on Facebook and then immediately saw that someone else had posted a news article about a 40 car pile up.
After a brief moment of Oh shit, hope everyone's okay, thank god I wasn't in it, I immediately, selfishly started to panic because I HAD TO PEE. The news article said the highway was closed for the rest of the morning and I was a mile past the last exit before the accident.
I did a risk-benefit analysis of my options. Holding it was out if I was going to be sitting there for another few hours. I had beaucoup bottles in my car if I wanted to pee in the privacy of my car, but the risks of peeing all over myself and my car seemed too high. There were 5 foot snow banks on either side of the highway so tromping into the woods was going to be an effort plus the bare trees did not provide much cover.
That left opening both of the passenger side doors and squatting between them. I told myself that the worst that could happen would be maybe 3 people would be flashed by my pasty white butt. I'd probably never see them again, so what's the harm?
After steeling myself, I turned off the car (I was taking my keys with me, it would be just my luck to lock myself out) and peed on the side of the road like a goddamn animal. Huzzah!
I got back into the car, posted about my success on Facebook, and then looked out my window to see a state trooper signaling me. Shit, did I just flash a state trooper?!? Am I busted for public urination???
I rolled down the window and was extremely relieved (in more ways than one, get it??) when the trooper merely said that I could turn my car around and go back to the last exit if I wanted to. Which I did, ruing the fact that if I had just waited 10 more minutes I could've used a bona fide gas station bathroom instead of getting snow down my pants.
I opted not to try to find a different slippery route to school and just headed home; too much excitement (and exposure) for one day!
Sending good thoughts to all of those people in the wreck.
